Alex Rodriguez: Pure Fucking Comedy

Let me start with this: I'm not a baseball fan. I think baseball's a joke sport with joke players and joke records. When 5 of the leading 11 are under suspicion of using steroids, along with one of the best pitchers ever, something's wrong with your sport.

Still, though, the Alex Rodriguez Show has been a hell of a show to watch. The guy's so bad at lying that it's comical. Hell, the guy's got the same PR company that George W. Bush employed while he was President; maybe that was their strategy: to make up the lamest story possible so that people would laugh instead of call for his head.

Look at the situation: A-Rod handpicks Peter Gammons and admits to using performance enhancing drugs, then says he doesn't remember how he got them. Then, just yesterday, he says that some unnamed cousin took him down to the Dominican Republic for an over-the-counter "energy booster," because we all know that you inject energy boosters, right? But here's the funny part: he's reading all of this off from a piece of paper. Neon signs saying "KEEP YOUR LIES STRAIGHT" couldn't have been more obvious. Hell, I half-expected A-Rod to give the press a "Is this thing on?" before breaking out the flapping dickie routine. Again, I'm not a baseball fan, but if I were, I think I'd be pretty ticked off. Could this guy be any more pompous? Only an arrogant person could make up such an obviously garbage story and expect anyone to believe him. Never mind the fact that he still hasn't admitted to using the drugs that the 2003 drug test stated that he used. Never mind that there's going to be a book published detailing his drug use. No, the mysterious Dominican cousin took him to get some "Boli," whatever the fuck that is.

And that's probably the thing that gets me the most about this guy. He's completely unwilling to accept responsibility. First, he accused Sports Illustrated Selena Roberts of being a stalker; he even went so far as to accuse her of trying to break into his house while his kids were sleeping. So obviously, he can't be blamed for taking banned substances; some crazy bitch was out to get him. Then came the oft-repeated "I was young and dumb excuse." All those injections must have given poor A-Rod amnesia since he seems to forget that, according to his own story, he started shooting up six years into the league. Either A-Rod's lying or he's the world's dumbest baseball player. Then came the "It was a loosey-goosey culture." First off, who the fuck even says "loosey-goosey?" Second of all, if the culture was so lax about drug use, then why all the secrecy about procuring the drugs? Why even bother going down to the Dominican Republic when everyone was so relaxed about it? I'm not an expert or anything, but something doesn't seem right about that. However, the coup de grace was the unnamed cousin angle. As if blaming real live people for his fuckups wasn't enough, he's now taken to blaming people that don't exist. See, it wasn't Alex Rodriguez who got Boli, it was his "cousin" who told A-Rod that what he was injecting was an energy booster.

None of this is his fault, and that's probably has all the sports reporters on their high horses right now; I normally don't like the whole moral high ground deal, but Alex has given everyone easy ammo. They don't even have to buy the bullets to shoot him down right now; they just have to wait until his next press conference and listen to what he says next. It's pure comedic gold listening to this guy change his story. In fact, MLB should embrace this thing head on; Bud Selig should give A-Rod half of his salary to keep baseball ratings up. Whenever TV ratings dip for a certain month, Selig should call a press conference for A-Rod, and have the guy tell reporters his newest version of the truth. The possibilities are endless. Today, it's the unnamed cousin. Next, why not throw in Mike Tyson and say Iron Mike held him down and injected him? What about throwing in some other things like:

- Bears, because everyone's scared of bears, right?
- OJ Simpson. He's always a good one if you want some sympathy. Everyone hates OJ. Even OJ.
- Jim Brown. "He was showing me how he still keeps giving his wife black eyes after all this time...."
- Jetpacks
- (insert random missing white girl here) To distract people. Duh.
- Michael Jackson. Old white women. See above for the reason.
- Prince. "I couldn't beat Prince at basketball so........"

Just some suggestions. I'm all for keeping this thing going. It's the only thing that's gotten me remotely interested in baseball in years.

PS:

Dear Bud Selig,

It's your fault the steroids issue has gotten out of hand in baseball. You looked the other way when roiders saved your pathetic sport from irrelevancy, and now you're paying the price. Also, you're kinda the commissioner of the sport, so people are probably going to look at you when issues get out of hand. Just a thought. I'm not an expert or anything, though.

Thanks,
Management